Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
