come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I understand Curling. That high.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
