Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize