i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
