I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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