I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
