Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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