He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
