Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
