8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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