i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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