This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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