So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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