that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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