I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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