the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
