meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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