I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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