Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
