i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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