Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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