meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
