Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize