We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
