Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
