Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
