Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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