Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
