i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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