The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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