Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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