If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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