he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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