My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
