I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
