Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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