Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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