I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
