dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
