I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize