I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
