We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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