I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
