I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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