It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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