Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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