My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
