I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
