I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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