You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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