Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
