even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
