Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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