I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
