I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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