I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
